Home > Garden of Grasses > The "Billy Bob" Series

The "Billy Bob" Series

by John Pillsbury

Editor's note:
John Pillsbury, retired and living in eastern Texas, wrote his first poem in April, 1997. He says he lives "way out in the sticks--some people call them East Texas kicks." His reason for writing poetry is "just for kicks." We have published the "Billy Bob" poems here as a series because many of them contain cross-references to each other, and to read them in sequence from top to bottom can enhance the meaning.


(Click on any divider between poems to return here.)

Billy Bob
Honkytonk Pirate
Car Lot
Jimmy Jed
Movin' Up the Ladder
Tax Time
Las Vegas
The Nurse from Hell
The Curse
Billy Bob's Christmas
Too Late
Billy Bob's Revenge
The Choice
The Trade
The Quirk
The Shack
City Cafe
Irate Woman
Should a Stood in Bed
And Then There Were None
The Cure
Wise or Otherwise
Haunted Shack?

Billy Bob

feelin' good this mornin'-lookin really smart
got brand new clothes yesterday-bought em at walmart
i'm a headin' into beaumont-lookin' for a job
wasn't goin' on no interview lookin' like a slob
saw two jobs in the paper and they both paid good
one was for an accountant-the other was a choppin' wood
first i applied for the accountant's job-the interview went fine
after a couple of minutes he said the job was mine
wanted me to start right away-they was in a mess
said the reason he hired me-i thunk like the irs
they took me to my new office-it had a name on the door
so i'll have to change my name- i wont be billy bob no more
though i wont be billy bob-i'll still be just the same
and if you need to call me-hr bloch is my new name

Honkytonk Pirate

Walked into the honky tonk- supposed to meet a friend
Sidled to the bar- took a seat down at the end
The juke box was a blarin'- you could hardly hear
I hollered to the bartender- is the honky tonk pirate here?
He brought me a beer- threw in a twist of lime
Said- you know the pirate- he could come in anytime
A lady at a table gave a little wave
I rubbed my hand across my chin just to check my shave
I ambled to her table- asked her if i could sit
She said she liked company and wouldn't mind a bit
Asked her if she'd like a drink just to break the ice
She gave me a great big smile and said that would be nice
She said she drank pirates plunder- they make the best in town
So i sauntered to the bar and laid a fifty down
I watched the feller mix her drink- thought things were goin' fine
Then when he brought my change it was a dollar twenty-nine
I wondered how this little gal was goin' to be able
To drink all that booze and stay above the table
She tipped it up and drank it down without a bit of trouble
Set it down and then she said i think i'd like a double
I said i wouldn't mind a bit- no problem at all
But first i had to make a stop to answer nature's call
I walked into the men's room- the window was open wide
In less than a minute i was back outside
Then i saw the pirate and 'fore i had time to think
I told him about a gal in there he oughta buy a drink
I waited by the window and i began to fret
When over an hour went and he ain't come out yet
I walked back in the bar worried about my pal
Saw him at the table drinkin' with that gal
She wasn't drinkin' plunder- she was sippin' beer
They was both a-chucklin'-strange things happenin' here
Then it hit me like a brick- course it was too late
The pirate had set me up and i'd financed his date
The bartender came over- had a smile as he spoke
Said son, you just got bit by an old honkytonk joke
You can get even- i'm here to tell you how
From this moment- you're the honkytonk pirate now

Car Lot

i walked onto the car lot- my fliver'd broken down
since it wouldn't run no more- i hitchhiked into town
the prices on the windows- they were pretty steep
back in the corner lot i spied a beat up jeep
the salesman showed me a pretty car-said it was a steal
pushed me toward his office-said we'd make a deal
he showed me the payments with all the stuff and such
the figures took my breath away-it was way too much
he showed me another car- it had a little rust
he assured me that the engine was one that i could trust
he added up the numbers-it seemed to me so far
this man was tryin' to sell a house-not a rusty car
i asked him to show me the jeep parked in the corner lot
he looked at me, shook his head and said he'd rather not
i told him an old jeep like that would surely fit my needs
it probably has a stick shift and at least five speeds
oh yes, it's got those-you're absolutely right
but it's the only car i trust to get me home at night

Jimmy Jed

Since my old car had died - I'd done a lot of walkin
I'd been to all the lots - done a lot of talkin
Now my very best boots are wearin mighty thin
Pretty soon they're gonna be the shape my car is in
If I'm gonna save these boots - I'd better do somethin fast
Only another day or two is all that they will last
This moped with the a for sale sign was parked up in this yard
I thought I might make a deal - at least I'd try real hard
I knocked on the front door - a man answered lookin mean
I told him I would like to know all about that there machine
The owner told me it's in real good shape - it has lots of power
You can race up and down the road at twenty-two miles an hour
Well right away it seemed to me that was pretty slow
On the other hand it was faster'n my boots or car could go
We worked out the details and it did appear
I'd be makin payment for about a year
I was pretty happy as I rode back to town
I just saved my boots and didn't put nothin down
Now that I've got transportation things are gonna go good
My friend Billy Bob gonna get me a job a choppin wood.

Movin' Up the Ladder

the higher-ups in the company sent this letter in the mail
it said answer all the questions- return this without fail
you're being considered for promotion- that's why you're sent this form
carefully considered answers determine your standing among the norm
first thing was state your name-state?- Texas Billy Bob
they knew that- i told them when i got this job
then they asked about address- you'd think they'd realize
ain't a walmart in Texas sells dresses near my size
then there was the word sex and a tiny little line
wasn't even room to write that i liked it fine
they asked my position- i said that i was sittin'
to take this test lying down don't seem to be quite fittin'
next said list dependents- well there's 'dependence mo.
dependence hall and declaration of
that's all that i could cram in the little space above
next they asked where i'd like to be in another five years
i could use a crystal ball is the way this appears
jimmy jed said disney world was somethin' to see
so in five years that's where i'd like to be
just got this test this mornin'- finished it 'fore noon
i expect i'll get promoted- probably real soon

Tax Time

here it is - tax time and all, we wuz pretty busy
had so many customers i wuz gettin' dizzy
some folks callin' me Billy Bob- others H R Bloch
had so much work to do I wuz goin' round the clock
with the IRS cheatin' my customers- customers cheatin' the IRS
which was the biggest bunch of crooks was anybody's guess
some wuz gettin' refunds- some wuz payin' more
some wuz leavin' happy- some wuz leavin' sore
the whole situation weren't the least bit funny
every single customer wuz payin' too much money
seems as the guvment is an awful greedy bunch
oh well- can't worry now- time to go to lunch

Las Vegas

we got to the airport- they made us stand around
that's ok- i'm happiest when my feet are on the ground
we were goin' to las vegas- the nevada gamblin' town
they had all convinced me what went up was gonna come down
I knew it was gonna come down- I hoped not in a crash
i'd hate to see that big old plane become a pile of trash
the fella with the stripes on his sleeves was the one a gonna fly it
I worried that I weighed too much- shoulda gone on a diet
when we was gettin' on was when this little lass
said mr. bloch there's been seating changes-your seat is now 1st class
now i'm an easy goin' man- not much to complain
my mama told me to see the flowers- you had to take the rain
right then I was nervous- my mind not quite on track
if i'd been thinkin' right i'd a asked for money back
the engines started roarin'- I closed my eyes real tight
and that's the way I was for the entire flight
now we're in the airport- my feet back on the ground
lookin' for transportation- we're casino bound
then I heard the speaker- mr. bloch you have a telephone call
tried to think who that might be- didn't know no one at all
the voice on the telephone said they'd take good care of me
they was sendin' out a limo- accommodations would be free
seems my luck has changed ever since I changed my name
once I gave up billy bob nothin's been the same
the limo was on it's way- we'd have a little wait
I was gettin' hungry-it's been a while since I ate
they had these fruit vending machines with cherries, oranges and plums
I put in three quarters- the fruit salad never comes
I pulled the handle for the coin return- the alarm began to toot
I put my hands up in the air-afraid the guard might shoot
the quarters kept on comin' out- some were rollin' on the floor
I didn't mean to break it- I won't fool around no more
a lady in a skimpy dress said oh lucky you
you've hit the super jackpot for a million two
this was the craziest thing that i'd ever seen
they was gonna pay me for breakin' their machine
my vacation was ruined- you could see it on my face
them quarters was much too heavy to tote from place to place
they saw I had a problem- they took the whole amount
put it on deposit- I had a bank account
a fella with a drivers cap just got off the tram
he asked me if I were mr. bloch- "I said yes I am"
he said to follow him- the limo was outside
I gathered up my friends - we was goin for a ride
there was buttons everywhere- I guess I pushed them all
the driver asked first time in a limo doc- I said "one this small"
we finally got to the place where we was gonna be stayin'
they took us right to our rooms since we wasn't payin'
on the way I saw these two gals pushin' quarters in a machine
they could push them quarters faster'n i'd ever seen
while they pumped them quarters they was drinkin' coke and jack
I wondered if they'd still be there time that I got back
I don't know if them gals was twins- but I noticed after a time
they really wasn't identical- one had a twist of lime
when I got to the room I thought of the day's events
totaled up my expenses- it was- uh- 75 cents
thought i'd best balance my check book- that's what us accountants do
one deposit hadn't written no checks-pretty soon I was through
I looked all through the rooms- didn't see no one
guess it's time to go to the lobby and to have some fun
I stopped at this table-they was playin' cards for money
being an accountant I could see that things were funny
the dealer had but seventeen- the player had twenty three
the dealer took the player's money- looks like cheatin' to me
then when it happened again to the fella on the stool
I knew he couldn't count- must be some kinda fool
then I saw them same two gals- they hadn't even slowed
what was a puzzlement- them machines hadn't overflowed
I saw more of them fruit salad machines- felt a little sad
if I broke another somebody was a gonna get mad
I went and watched a poker game- believe this or not
the dealer was a stealin' a little from each and every pot
if this place was tryin' to cheat me-they was in for a shock
they mighta bamboozled billy bob- they ain't cheatin' h r bloch
then this gal came up to me- asked if i'd like a drink
I knew her from somewhere- I needed time to think
when it all came to me- I ordered pirates plunder
she gave me a funny look and she began to wonder
then she said I know you- you're billy bob
I knew you back in beaumont fore I got this job
she said i'm really sorry- they don't serve plunder here
I said I didn't think so- i'll have an ice cold beer
bein' polite I asked her if she'd heard from jimmy jed
she said he'd soon be there- he was ridin' out on his mo-ped
she said he left four days ago- should be arrivin' soon
probably at the latest- tomorrow afternoon
I told her to tell jimmy jed that I wasn't sore
if he needed a place to stay come to the top floor
I finished up the beer- started lookin' for a snack
didn't want to gain no weight- I was flyin' back
I asked the plunder gal bout bar-b-que or even chicken fried steak
said she'd be glad to show me soon's she got her break
pretty soon we went outside- it was a scorchin' day
we saw a cloud of polution and it was headin' our way
when the cloud got to us it just stopped dead
and out of that black cloud stepped my friend jimmy jed
if this mo-peds to live- we best all kneel and pray
i'm afraid she's lived too long and this is her last day
I asked him when the funeral was- he cuffed me on the ear
said he was happy that it got him here
I asked about his job- he was supposed to be a choppin' wood
he said what had happened was that he chopped too good
soon as the wood ran out- they gave me a little vacation
i've come to las vegas for a little recreation
I told him about the goin'ons inside and how the house was cheatin'
right away he understood- didn't need no repeatin'
we stood around and chatted a while- soon I could see
jimmy jed and the plunder gal wasn't in need of me
I went to the coyote cafe-the waitresses name was brook
later i'd tell jimmy jed to come and take a look
brook was real pretty-the service was just fine
the only place i'd seen where you didn't stand in line
I looked at the menu- had to supress a sigh
eight dollars for a hamburg seemed much too high
I paid the eight dollars- left a quarter tip
now i'd spent nine dollars- a pretty expensive trip
it was obvious- money here went fast
i'd have to be more careful for that million two to last
thought i'd go up to my room- watch a little tv
there I wouldn't be spendin' money-everything was free
there was a telephone- since I don't like ridin' in the sky
i'd try to find an airline that didn't fly so high
when I didn't have no success- I decided then and there
there wasn't no airline gonna take me anywhere
then I packed my bag- this weren't no place for me
I was headin' for the truck stop where the truckers be
God willin' and with a little luck
i'd be ridin' back to beaumont in a texas truck

The Nurse from Hell

Billy bob was awful sick- needed to get well
Checked in at the hospital- met the nurse from hell
Took one look at her- his temperature began to rise
To see such beauty there was a complete suprise
Forgot he was feelin' bad- thanked the Lord above
For directin' him to that hospital, straight to his true love
The nurse saw billy bob and she knew right away
That her life had changed- her new life began today
Billy bob knew it happens, in TEXAS quite a lot
Fellas that date married gals often end up shot
Course he couldn't help himelf- he was completely lost
He had to be with this nurse no matter what the cost

Billy bob was healthy again, he had gotten well
Still he wasn't happy- he missed that nurse from hell
Knew he had to see her again- she was his every thought
Had to find a place to meet where they wouldn't get caught
He pondered on his problem- looked at all the facts
Then he got the answer- he'd do her income tax
He called her on the telephone and she agreed
Income tax three nights a week would exactly fit the need
He told her how to get there- his name was on the door
Located in the shopping center- over the hardware store
She had to wait a bit til everyone else had went
Then they'd have hours together- hours to be well spent
He wanted to impress his nurse- wanted things exactly right
Went out and bought a pizza and a six pack of lite

Billy bob wanted things to go perfect on their very first night
Pizza was on the table- they'd eat by candle light
The radio was a playin' an old country song
Billy bob was waitin' for his nurse to come along
After a little bit he heard the doorbell ring
Billy bob was speechless- he couldn't say a thing
He took nurse in his arms- his hands a little bold
He knew he'd hafta stop- the pizza was a-gonna get cold
He put a cover on the cage when his parrot started sqwaaakin
Their first date was spent a-doin' not a-talkin'
The time went so very fast- too soon it got too late
And billy bob knew then and there he'd found the perfect mate

The Curse

Billy met nurse three nights a week- weekends were taboo
That left him four nights without a thing to do
Every time he thought of nurse his eyes began to tear
And here it was, Saturday night, he should be a drinkin' beer
He went to the honky tonk- took a stool at the end
Thought he'd lose his loneliness if he could find a friend
Bartender said "hi pirate- how ya doin' tonight"
billy bob with a weak smile said "Guess i'm doin' alright"
"lots of new gals in tonight if you plan to stay
the two gals at the table are bungie and maggie may
cook master's in the kitchen- his speciality is pizza pie
silver's at the end of the bar- she's sittin there with shy
when they named her shy i dont know what they meant
she may be short on words but her actions are eloquent
silver, she writes verse, does it all the time
even when she talks to you it may come out in rhyme
doll, spirit and casper are doin' their little dance
go on over boy- don't be afraid to take a chance
and look what came in the door- ain't she a beauty
don't just sit there- go and do your duty
jeans may be in later- right now she's baby sittin'
minnie mama stayed at home to catch up on her knittin'
just don't get carried away till you see innie sweet
heard a couple of stories that i ain't a-gonna repeat
see that there young one- thats baby blue
don't mess with her- she'll break ya in two"
billy bob looked 'round the room- then began to smile
since he'd seen a collection like this- it'd been a long long while
the bartender said "take your pick- 'course there is a curse
there ain't a single one of them that doesn't know your nurse


Billy Bob was busy three nights a week- idle the other four
Didn't dare go to the honky tonk- afraid his nurse'd get sore
'Cuz at the honky tonk there was still a curse
Every gal that went in there was a good friend of his nurse
Thought if he bought a Harley- he could do some ridin'
He could take nurse out of town- wouldn't have to be hidin'
Went to the cycle shop- spied a green machine
Thought it was the prettiest thing that he'd ever seen
He looked at the price tag to see what he had to spend
Seemed they wanted an arm and a leg and half of his rear end
He looked at the price again- it was a whole lot of money
Thought somebody'd writ that there a-tryin' to be funny
The salesman came over- started talkin' to Billy Bob
Told him he could finance if he had a job
The salesman figured the payments- Billy Bob went pale
Salesman said "you're lucky- tonight this machines on sale
Tomorrow it goes up again- you better git her now"
Billy Bob would make them payments- just hadn't figured how
Billy Bob rode the Harley out a-grinnin' ear to ear
He would make them payments- just had to give up beer
Course if things got too bad he knew what he could do
He had that Vegas bank account with a million two.

Billy Bob's Christmas

Christmas eve and Christmas was the loneliest time of the year
His friends were all with relatives at home a-drinkin' beer
The restaurants weren't open- the ice house closed up tight
Even the old honky tonk wasn't open tonight
Where he'd have Christmas dinner he didn't rightly know
Maybe at a convenience store- probably the Stop-and-Go
New year's was better- everything was poppin'
Christmas was the opposite- everything was stoppin
Thought he'd go to his office up over the hardware store
If he couldn't find anything else he could work some more
It was just the same last year so he knew that he could bear it
If worse came to worse he'd start talkin' to the parrot

Too Late

Billy bob was still at work- it had been a hectic day
five o'clock had come and gone and still he had to stay
supposed to meet nurse that night- he was gonna be late
he couldn't help it- she'd just have to wait
looked at the telephone-thought he ought a call
but once he got on the harley it would be no time at all
he was a-hurryin'- doin' the things he had to do
thought in just a jiffy he was gonna be through
billy bob looked at his watch- he was an hour behind
then he thought of his nurse- figured she wouldn't mind
billy jumped on his harley- barreled from the lot
throwin' dirt and stones everywhere- he was ridin' hot
soon he arrived- nurse wasn't there
looked all around- couldn't find her anywhere
asked a fella standin' there- and the fella replied
a big guy with a honda took her for a ride

Billy Bob's Revenge

Gorgeous came to galveston- she came to spend a week
Saw her on the beach- said hi- she wouldn't speak
of all the girls on the beach- she's the one that caught my eye
wanted to get to know her- was goin' to give it a pretty good try
i tried all morning- she wouldn't even look at me
she kept workin' on her suntan and lookin' out to sea
i warn't doin' no good- got the harley and started to go
when she saw the harley a little smile began to show
she got up and came toward me with her long legged stride
caressed the seat of the harley then asked me for a ride
i'd been tryin' all mornin'-doin' my very best
it took one look at the harley for me to pass the test
she got on the harley- let the wind blow through her hair
i was pretty happy 'cuz she was sittin' there
we rode the coast road- right by the sea
then her arms came up and she was huggin' me
i took her to the honky tonk-she didn't know about the curse
i was sure someone there would go and tell the nurse


Billy Bob's tryin' to get back with nurse- wasn't havin' no luck at all
Sent her flowers and everything- she wouldn't return his call
He was spendin' some time at the honky tonk- sippin' a little beer
They was talkin' about nurse at the table- he could overhear
Seems nurse was goin' with this other guy- ridin' on his honda
Guess this other fella was the one that nurse was fonda
Billy didn't want to hear those things- they only made him sad
Then he heard some other things that made him really feel bad
Billy remembered the other night- they was supposed to have a date
Thought he was payin' an awful price for bein' a little bit late
He had to leave the honky tonk- he'd only had two beers
Couldn't stay any longer- his eyes were full of tears

The Choice

Billy bob's days seemed awfully long- the nights were even worse
He knew it had been three weeks or more since he'd seen his nurse
He was workin' late again- up over the hardware store
Just when he was finishin' up there was a koockin' at his door
He wondered who that could be- saw the nurse a-standin' there
Happily he let her in- sat her in his best chair
She said i'm sorry billy bob- i guess i ain't been kind
But i've got several things that's troublin' on my mind
Everybody thinks it's the other guy that i'm kinda fonda
Never even liked him much- but sure do love his honda
Now if you would sell your harley and buy a new gold wing
Then it could be the way it was and we could do our thing
Billy bob had two loves- his nurse and his harley machine
To make him choose between them seemed to be downright mean
The nurse waited patiently- she didn't realize
The thought of giving up either brought tears to billy's eyes
Billy bob knew the problem- now he had to choose
He knew that either way- he was the one to lose

The Trade

Billy bob wasn't feelin' too good with the nurse, the honda and all
He knew if the nurse came back they would have a ball
Thinking about trading- he rode to the cycle shop
Thought he'd talk to a salesman- see if he could swap
Billy got the figures- saw it was something he could swing
Just had to sign the papers- he'd own a new gold wing
Then the fella with the honda rode by- the nurse on the back a smilin'
Billy saw the whole thing- found it to be quite rilin'
He tore the paper in little pieces- walked right out the door
Thought to himself i've had it- ain't gonna take no more
Got on his harley- headed for the nearest phone
Thought if he called gorgeous he would't feel so alone
Gorgeous wasn't nearby- she lived a couple a states away
But billy wanted to talk with her-see what she had to say
He told her of his problems- asked what he should do
She said "i'm sorry billy bob but the whole thing's up to you
We had a grand time riding- riding along the wall
Honda or harley--makes no difference at all
Coming back to see you early in the spring
Honda harley or roller skates- they don't mean a thing
Billy left there smiling- he'd something to look forward to
Thought selling the harley was something he'd never do

The Quirk

Billy bob had gorgeous, his harley and his work
But way back in his mind there still remained that quirk
He'd almost forgotten her- almost but not quite
The nurse came in his dreams- he saw her every night
When he saw her in his dreams they were still a datin'
In his dreams she'd changed a lot- wasn't manipulatin'
Then in the mornin' when the dreamin' was all through
Billy felt extra sad because it wasn't true
He heard through the grapevine nurse had left her spouse
He'd ridden a hundred times or more slowly past her house
He heard a little later nurse had moved away
Gone to her sisters and there she planned to stay
He wondered where the sister lived- someone ought to know
If he could find out he'd ride by there real slow
Billy'd done 'bout all he could- if a meeting would occur
The nurse would have to come around--he was leavin' it to her


Nurse went to her sister's--she seemed to disappear
Yet Billy Bob felt in his heart that the nurse was near
Ever since they'd broke up Billy's days were all the same
Go to work, drink a couple of beers and watch a football game
Billy Bob got on his Harley--thought if he took a long, long ride
He'd forget the nurse for a while--still the unrest inside
Billy felt the wind in his hair- had a smile upon his face
Saw a biker far ahead and then began the chase
Billy poured it to the Harley--gave it everthing
Pulled hehind the other bike--saw the emblem--gold wing
Looked at the back of the rider--he'd know her anywhere
Was the nurse from hell- a ridin right up there
He pulled up beside her--they each had a great big smile
They rode side by side for maybe another mile
They pulled into a picnic area--he figured their need to talk
Billy took nurse's hand in his--they went for a little walk
Nurse said Billy I missed you, didn't know what to do
So I bought this Honda so that I could ride with you
They rode slowly back to town--smilin' and a-singin'
Billy ridin' his Harley while nurse was a-gold wingin'.

The Shack

Billy took nurse ridin'- took her to the old homestead
Ever since '89 both maw and paw were dead
Billy Bob was taken aback to see the place so overgrown
Thought of maw and paw and the only home he'd ever known
He remembered all the hound dogs and the beagle pup
And how they used to lick his face when he was growin' up
Billy saw the broken step- paw never did get to it
He knew if it was gonna get fixed- he would have to do it
And on the front porch was that old rockin' chair
Billy in his mind could see maw rockin' there
He saw the old tire and rope hangin' from a tree
Remembered he started swingin' there 'bout the age of three
Billy walked in the woods- he had some time time to kill
It was right where paw left it- the old corn-squeezin' still
He walked back, went in the house, maw's things was covered in dust
Saw the faucets in the kitchen sink- they was beginnin' to rust
The house was a little longer than it was wide
Paw had done some plumbin'- they didn't have to go outside
Nurse was a-cleanin'- gettin things in shape
Workin' like superwoman- just didn't have a cape
Billy walked through the house- knew it was just a shack
But it was his home and he was a gonna come back

City Cafe

When billy bob went to breakfast- he'd go to the city cafe
There was a waitress there that took his breath away
Course he had nurse now but he was still free to look
And if the waitress gave him one more smile- that'd be all it took
She always stopped to talk to him- sometimes she'd even flirt
Then she'd smile and walk away with a little wiggle in her skirt
Billy had a harley- wanted to take her for a ride
But she had a ring on her finger- she was someone elses bride
Today she stopped at his table and said with a little pout
Billy bob how come it is you never ask me out
Billy was taken aback- he pointed to the ring
She smiled and then she laughed- that doesn't mean a thing
I wear it for the customers- when they ask for a date
I point to the ring and say sorry you're too late
Billy took her ridin'- they had a lot of fun
He was pretty careful that they didn't see no one
It was about midnight when he dropped her at her car
Figured he had time for one at the old honky tonk bar
He had no idea that he shouldn't go
Nurse was there a laughin' and dancin' the cotton eye joe
He went to give nurse a hug- she began to holler
Billy bob didn't know there was lipstick on his collar

Irate Woman

Billy thought he could keep two girls- he gave it a try
But on the very first night- nurse blackened his eye
Now he was wearing sunglasses- even late at night
He looked like he came out loser in a barroom fight
His friends all laughed when nurse hung one on his eye
A little lipstick on his collar was the reason why
Billy didn't know what he'd done that really was so bad
Certainly not enough to make nurse go raving mad
Billy thought about it and 'fore he was through
He figured you could never tell what an irate woman would do
Now she wouldn't talk to him and him being the injured one
He hoped it would soon blow over- they'd go back to havin' fun
Billy thought in a thousand years he would never know
How a woman's mind worked or whatever made it go

Should a Stood in Bed

Billy had a couple slow weeks- hadn't even had a date
'cept for the gal from the city cafe and she always worked real late
then on Friday mornin' nurse gave him a telephone call
you'd think from the way she talked there'd been nothin' wrong at all
Billy Bob was a smilin'- thought things was goin' good so far
He made a date to meet her at the honky tonk bar
Now gorgeous was a-packin'- she lived two states away
She had tickets to Texas- was goin' to suprise Billy that day
Everybody knows that trouble often comes in threes
The waitress at the city cafe got off sayin' pretty please
Billy in his innocence didn't have a clue so far
But they was all a-plannin' to meet him at the honky tonk bar
Billy got off work- went home and took a shower
He even used deodorant- the one with the extra power
He headed for the honky tonk- was gonna meet the nurse
Didn't have the faintest idea his day was a-gonna get worse
Billy sat by the window where he could watch for nurse
He started chucklin' to himself when he thought about the curse
Then he saw gorgeous as she parked a rental car
And here she was a-comin' right to the honky tonk bar
Oh my gosh thought Billy- i gotta get her out of this place
If nurse comes in and sees us she's gonna punch my face
Billy wanted to take her- almost anywhere
But gorgeous had her mind set- she wanted to stay right there
Billy was gettin' nervous- knew it wasn't his day
When he looked out the window and saw the waitress from the city cafe
Then he told gorgeous he had some things to do
If she didn't mind a-waitin' he'd be back soon's he was through
Billy went out the back as the waitress came in the door
The barkeep saw it happenin'- right away knew the score
Billy saw nurse a-comin'- ridin' her gold wing
Saw his troubles pilin' up- couldn't do a thing
Billy Bob pondered- he'd been good- more or less
Sure hadn't done nothin' so wrong to deserve this mess
Billy looked in the window- his nurse was irate
He remembered the last time he was a little bit late
Billy wasn't feelin' so good- had an achin' in his head
Threw his hands up in the air and went on home to bed

And Then There Were None

Billy Bob fought his battles- all with the I R S
Some he'd win, some he'd lose- each one was a mess
Now he was on vacation- riding his Harley and in a hurry
He was a-headin' north- a goin' to Missouri
His nurse hadn't spoken to him in about 6 months or so
He figured he didn't have no choice- he'd have to let her go
He'd always figured he and nurse would someday be a team
But somewhere along the way the relationship lost its steam
What he didn't understand- when a thing like they had ends
Why it was the two of them couldn't still be friends
Then there was the waitress at the city cafe
He stopped one morning for breakfast- they said she'd moved away
Now twelve hours on the road- maybe a little more
He arrived at Gorgeous's house- knocked on her front door
She came to the door- threw it open wide
Said I'm sorry Billy- can't ask you to come inside
I wrote you all about it just the other day
You see I'm gettin' married a week from Saturday
That's okay Gorgeous- I'm just passin' through
Had a couple extra minutes- thought I'd stop and talk with you
Then Billy turned away- wished her a happy life
He knew it was a lucky guy, gettin' her for a wife
When Billy had three girls, that was lots of fun
Now he had lost them all- every single one
He had to head for home- it was going to be a long, long ride
He knew a steak and french fries wouldn't fill the emptiness inside

The Cure

Billy Bob got back to town- it had been a long, long ride
He was sad and lonely- he had this void inside
He was a-gonna go back to work- try to forget them three
There were many things to remind him of the way things used to be
He didn't feel like goin' home- even after ridin' so far
Thought he'd go and claim a stool at the honkeytonk bar.
The place was a-jumpin'- the music playin' loud
He saw some new, pretty faces in and amongst the crowd
When he saw the prettiest one- he decided that he'd stay
Figured even an ill wind could blow some good his way
The prettiest gal was in the corner- back where the lights were dim
She had a great big smile- he thought it was for him
He moseyed to her table- asked her if he could sit
She said she liked company and wouldn't mind a bit
He thought "I hope she don't drink plunder- I've been that route before"
She said "I've been drinkin' beer but I don't want no more
Is that your beautiful Harley that you parked outside?
what I would really like is just a little ride"
Billy started grinnin'- grinnin' ear to ear
Now he was cured is the way it would appear.

Wise or Otherwise

Billy Bob met Lisa at the honkytonk- he took her for a ride
Right away he fell in love- was a wantin' her for his bride
On that wonderful night- they both had so much fun
Billy swore then and there she'd be the only one
This time things would be different- he was gettin' wise
She loved him and his Harley- he could see that in her eyes
He'd polished the Harley- was a gettin' ready for their date
He was a hurryin'- no way would he be late
He was almost ready- things was goin' fine
The phone started ringin'- who could be on the line?
He picked it up and said "hello"- it was gorgeous doin' the callin'
Billy had to brace himself just to keep from fallin'
She said "Billy, I'm sorry- I didn't know what to do
I just called off the wedding 'cuz I'm still in love with you"
Billy was suprised- he thought that they were through
But he was pretty confident- he could handle two.

Haunted Shack?

Billy was back at the old shack he started reminiscin'
Course it was not the same Maw and Paw were missin'
He looked the place over things were different now
He saw dust and cobwebs things Maw would not allow
Things was so much different, yet still so much the same
There was Maw and Paw's picture Paw had made the frame
Pots, pans and ladles hung over the kitchen range
They were clean and shiny Billy thought that strange
Someone was choppin' wood sounded like out back
Billy went out the front walked around the shack
The axe was leanin' against the stump there was no one there
Then he heard a squeakin' sounded like Maw's old rockin' chair
Billy was puzzled he stood and shook his head
He picked up the axe put it in the shed
He went out front saw the slowly rockin' chair
Looked all around still nobody there
Then he heard choppin' comin' from out back
He decided right away it was time to leave the shack
He jumped on his Harley wondering what he'd left behind
He hoped the wind in his face would help to clear his mind
Just what had happened he really couldn't say
But he vowed to bring flowers every Mother's Day.

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Copyright © 1997 by John Pillsbury. All rights reserved.